Can you feel lonely in marriage even when you love your spouse? I know you can, because I have been there. If you share a house, a bed and a calendar with someone and still feel alone, I wrote this post for you.
By Kate Shaw, co-host of Carpool Confessions Podcast. Content note: this post mentions depression and the effects of past trauma, including sexual trauma. If you are struggling right now, call or text 988.
This week, Kelley Marie and I recorded as we talked about loneliness inside a relationshipon the drive home instead of on the way to work. It was the next episode in our marriage series, following last week’s episode on the Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, Submit to Your Husbands.” Our earlier episode on loneliness was one of our most popular, so we knew this topic would hit home.
Key takeaways
- You can love your spouse and still feel lonely in marriage. It happens to more couples than you think.
- Busy schedules, phones and different faith journeys can slowly turn spouses into roommates.
- Your spouse cannot read your mind, and no single person can meet every need you have.
- Left alone, loneliness tends to turn into resentment.
- Small, steady choices to see and choose your spouse can change the whole dynamic.
- Your relationship with God is the first button on the shirt. When it is off, everything else is too.
Can you be lonely in marriage and still love your spouse?
Yes. Loneliness is not the same as being alone. On the show, I looked up a definition that stuck with me. It described loneliness as the painful gap between the connection you want and the connection you actually have.
Psychologists Letitia Peplau and Daniel Perlman described loneliness in a similar way decades ago. In other words, being lonely in marriage usually means you still want your spouse. You just feel like you do not have them right now.
Kelley Marie added another layer during our discussion on this topic. She lives with complex PTSD, and she has shared that a deep, lasting loneliness is one of its core symptoms. She also talked about spiritual loneliness, which is something I understand too.
Roommates: how a marriage gets lonely
So many couples I know have quietly become roommates. Nobody is fighting. Still, every conversation is about bills, schedules and who is picking up which kid.
That was literally my day. My husband and I had a whole conversation about whether I had answered the insurance guy about the new car. Meanwhile, Kelley Marie and her husband were texting about school picture codes. None of that is bad, but it is not connection either.
Life feels busier than it was for past generations. Most of us work, many of us commute out of our small town, and the kids have full schedules too. Before you know it, weeks go by without any meaningful time together. That is how many people end up lonely in marriage without ever deciding to drift apart.
Phones at the table and where our attention goes
Both Kelley Marie and I do not let social media notifications come to our phones. As recovering people pleasers, we have the kind of anxiety where we feel like we have to answer every message right away, and we do not want to live tied to our phones.
One idea I heard years ago rocked me to my core. Picture yourself at dinner with your spouse when a text from work comes in. Most of us would answer it right there. Now picture your boss walking up and sitting down at your table to chat. Would it feel appropriate to address the situation right then and there, or would you say, “Can we talk later? I’m on a date with my husband”?
Technology creates a false sense of urgency. As a result, our attention gets spread everywhere except the person right in front of us. We have more ways to connect than ever, and yet we feel lonelier. Few things make a marriage feel lonely faster than talking to someone who is looking at a screen.
Why your spouse cannot fix a lonely marriage alone
A lot of us expect our spouse to fill a hole in our heart that only God can fill. Pastor Jeff Stott at our church shared an analogy that fits this perfectly. When you button a shirt and get the first button wrong, every button after it is off.
Our relationship with God is that first button. If it is off, every other relationship, including marriage, will feel off too. That is why God said in Genesis 2:18, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (NIV). We were made for connection, first with him and then with each other.
At the same time, no single person can be everything for you. Kelley Marie said it well: “we cannot put people in boxes and then get mad when they fall short of expectations that do not fit their role in our lives.” Friends, church family and community matter too.
Your spouse cannot read your mind
Many of us assume our spouse knows what we need. Usually, they do not. Ladies, I am talking to us here. Many men are not as emotionally expressive as we are, and my husband is one of them.
Unspoken needs are one of the quickest ways to end up lonely in marriage. That does not mean he does not care. It means I have to say what I need clearly instead of waiting for him to guess. Kelley Marie also pointed out that many men carry trauma of their own. Sometimes that pain comes out as anger, distance or seeming emotionally unavailable.
I have also caught myself assuming the worst about my husband’s intentions. When you struggle with insecurity, it is easy to believe your spouse sees you the way you see yourself. Then you build a story in your head that is not real, until it starts to become real.
How a lonely marriage turns into resentment
Suffering in silence is the worst thing you can do. Here is why:
If you let loneliness go too long, it turns into resentment.
Once you resent your spouse, you start to view your entire relationship through that lens.
I tell my kids all the time that the only person they can control is themselves. The same is true in marriage. I got married young, and I have been married for 15 years now. Early on, 1 Peter 3 became one of the biggest passages in my life. It describes a wife whose everyday life shows her faith to her husband, even without words.
Will your husband always respond to that? Not necessarily. Still, you can only control you. Getting wise counsel matters too, because loneliness can also slide into depression.
What if you have tried everything?
Kelley Marie raised a hard question on the show. What do you do when you have already talked to your spouse about your needs, and nothing changes?
There is no single right answer, because every situation is different. Maybe counseling would help. Maybe one honest conversation would. However, Kelley Marie said something I agree with: you do not deserve to stay depressed and alone because your partner will not put in the effort. Marriage is a team effort.
Sometimes it takes a spouse years to see a need to change, and sometimes they never do. Sometimes separation and space are exactly what a relationship needs, and I have seen that bring couples back together. If you are being abused, though, that is a different situation entirely, and your safety comes first.
The notebook that changed how I saw my husband
Here is one of the most practical things I have ever done. At one point, I was so focused on what my husband was not doing that I stopped noticing what he was doing right.
So I started a notebook. Every time I saw him do something helpful, or something that showed the kids or me that he loved us, I wrote it down. Before long, that notebook was full.
It worked like buying a red Chevy truck. Suddenly, you see red Chevy trucks everywhere. Once I started looking for the good, I saw it all the time. It was one of the best things I have done for a marriage that felt lonely. If you feel lonely in marriage because you and your spouse are living two separate lives, try this for a month.
I also recommend writing your spouse a letter. Pour your heart out. Tell them you miss them and want to be close. You may give it to them or you may not, but putting it into words is healing either way.
Small gestures that say “I see you” in marriage
Years ago, my husband told me, “You don’t see me.” That was so hard to hear, because I care deeply about everyone in my life. For him, though, being seen looked like me noticing he needed a haircut or ironing the back of his shirt. Honestly, I would have guessed he thought those comments were mean!
It is the same with responsible things. For some reason, it makes my husband so happy when I take care of something like getting my tires rotated without being asked. You have to know your spouse and what makes them feel cared for.
Kelley Marie has her own small habit. Every night, she sets out her husband’s coffee mug and a coffee pod for his early morning shift. Little things like that say “I see you.”
When you make an effort for someone, human nature is to want to give back. So maybe you plan a monthly date night with a babysitter. Maybe you make their favorite meal, or give them a kiss every time you walk in the door. Consider this your sign to start. These small habits push back against a lonely marriage, one day at a time.
Letting your spouse be your person
I am wildly independent. My instinct is always, “I’ve got this, I’ll figure it out myself.” My husband has to remind me that we are a team. Pushing your spouse away, even without meaning to, can leave both of you lonely in marriage.
Kelley Marie shared how trauma makes this even harder. Because she was hurt in a relationship that was supposed to be safe, leaning on her husband can make her want to run. Her husband understands that and gives her a lot of grace. Still, it hurts him when she does not let him be her person, and they talk about that honestly.
If you have experienced sexual trauma or abuse, it can quietly create a wedge in your marriage. When you were hurt in a way that was supposed to be loving, your nervous system can struggle to tell the difference. Naming that is a good first step, and a trauma-informed counselor can help.
Putting God first in a lonely marriage
My husband and I still are not on the same page about faith. So yes, I know there are lonely seasons, and some things may not be fixed on this side of heaven.
What I come back to is this. We all want to be seen and known, and nobody sees and knows us better than our heavenly Father. Just as we feel hurt when our spouse does not choose us, God wants us to choose him. Too often, we choose our phones, our schedules or our busyness instead.
Kelley Marie said leaning into God does not always fix things in the moment, but it takes the edge off. I have found the same. So start small. Choose your spouse on purpose every day, be honest with them, and give them the chance to do the right thing.
Marriage is work. It takes constant effort, a lot of grace and a lot of humility. If you feel lonely in marriage right now, you are not the only one, and you do not have to stay stuck there.
Common questions about being lonely in marriage
Yes. Many couples go through seasons of feeling disconnected, especially when work, kids and busy schedules take over. Feeling lonely in marriage is a signal to reconnect, not proof that your marriage is over.
Start with an honest conversation, and say clearly what you need. Then make small, intentional choices to connect, such as a regular date night, a letter or a gratitude notebook. If nothing changes, consider counseling or wise counsel from someone you trust.
Yes, though it can bring lonely seasons. Focus on what you can control: your own walk with God and how you love your spouse. 1 Peter 3 describes a wife whose life speaks to her husband even without words.
Watch the episode
This post is based on this week’s episode of our marriage series. You can watch it below or find every episode on our Watch and Listen pages. If you are new here, start with our story. And please look up every verse I mention for yourself.
About the author
Kate Shaw co-hosts Carpool Confessions Podcast with her childhood friend Kelley Marie Bryson. They record honest, faith-filled conversations on their commute, and new episodes come out every Monday at 7 AM. Kate has been married for 15 years and is a working mom.
Kate is not a pastor or a licensed counselor. Instead, she shares what she has lived and what she finds when she opens the Bible.
Do you have a question, a story or a topic for this series? Reach out through our contact page, email us at carpoolconfessionspodcast@gmail.com, or share it anonymously.
If you need help, you are not alone
- 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org
- Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org
- RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: call 1-800-656-4673 or visit online.rainn.org
- If you are in immediate danger, call 911
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